A New Way

I'm sick of being fucking crazy and lonely. But, whatever.

I'd like some sleep. And for creepy guys to stop talking to me. It's rather irritating.

Guten Nacht.

I can't sleep.

I don't know what to talk about. There really hasn't been anything exciting happening in my life, lately, but a lot has changed. If that makes sense.

I'm trying very hard to take everything in stride, but it's proving to be more difficult everyday. I think I'm doing really well with dealing with the situation that I should be LONG OVER, but then I learn something new, and it puts me back at square one. It's, unfortunately, like having my heart stomped on all over again. Such is life, though.

I don't really like any of my "old friends" anymore, they've all moved on and changed and I think they're super irritating. The empty promises of "Oh my gosh! We SO TOTALLY NEED TO HANG OUT SOOOOOON!!!!" really fall deaf on my ears. I have no interest in what they're doing and think they should do us both a favor and stop talking. (Not necessarily my high school friends or my college friends. A little bit of both.)


I'm really not into the "dating scene" anymore. I tried for a little bit, but, no one suits my fancy and I don't blow anyone's mind, so I'm letting it go on without me for a while. The last few fellows I've been interested in just ended up fucking me around because they were too immature to realize right away that they didn't want to date anyone, and I'm sick of it. I've had a few propositions for marriage, though. One was drunken and the other was wishful thinking, I think, but, regardless.

I don't drink nearly as much as I used to, I don't "smoke" and I am trying to quit smoking cigarettes. I think I'm finally straightening up? Either that, or I've subconsciously decided that I need to grow up and quit dicking around with my life. I'm sure there's SOME talent in me, SOMEWHERE.

Enough ranting.

Cheers.

Today is Ash Wednesday. I would have liked to have gone to mass or something, but, I'm pretty sure that isn't going to happen. Not that I ever was, but, I'm REALLY not into church anymore. I can't do it.

I have two stalkers nowadays. One, is Jack, the "mentally handicapped" guy that met me at work and the other is Lester, some kid that I dated for a month, and when he was starting to get too serious, I split. I'm really just too nice to tell them to leave me alone. I don't like the attention, I don't want anything to do with either of them. And they both want to be with me. Here are some sample text messages from both.
-----------
Jack: "I'm still single, you know"
Carmen: "That's cool. We could start a club!"
Jack: "I guess. Or we could date each other and see how it goes. That is if you want to."
Carmen: "Uh... Idk. Maybe."
Jack: "That's cool. We should go to a movie again. Just the two of us."
Carmen: "Perhaps."
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Lester: "Do you think we'll get back together like? I understand if you don't have an answer"
Carmen: "I have no idea."
Lester: "To be honest and not mushy like, but you're the only girl that I've liked this much in a while and I was really shattered when we called it off."
Carmen: "I'm sorry. I don't know what to say."
Lester: "You don't have to say anything. I just feel better telling you. Take it how you want to."
-----------
Augh. Really. I don't understand what they want from me. I know what I want from them. I want them to leave me alone.

Yep. I'm not engaged, I don't have an adorable boyfriend who thinks the world of me, I'm not pregnant, I don't have a new car, I'm still stuck in the "Poor Carmen" rut. Eh... such is life.

And that's about all I care to bore myself with.

P.S
Jack tried asking me out tonight. Through a text message. I think I should get my number changed.

Soooooo.... yeah. I don't know what I'm doing anymore. I think I'm kind of out of control. Not like rock bottom, out of control, just... yeah. I have no morals anymore.

I'm brash, I drink, I smoke cigarettes and weed, I am promiscuous, and I honestly don't give a damn about anything. not even myself. It's ridiculous.

I am a week late for my period, and God knows that Travis won't give a shit if I AM pregnant. So... that's my predicament. Carolyn was like, "I could deal with it if you had been pregnant when you were with Daniel, but not so much with some dude that you've only known for a few months." Um yeah, how the fuck do you think I feel? It is my own stupid fault though.

Lately, I think I've just been trying to prove to myself that I'm not the same little prude that I used to be. I've been driving around drunk and stoned, for Christ's sake. Granted, I'm not drinking and smoking all of the time, but enough to be qualified as a total idiot.

Enough about that. I'm really starting to get freaked out by my dreams. I had one the other night where Shaun got really sick again and died. It was fucking awful. Shaun is my total buddy. I would for real be lost without his goofy ass. And in my dream, I was completely helpless. No one would listen to me about him or care about it.

I think someone stole my prozac out of my purse at work. It's fucked up. I don't know. I just... want to be left the fuck alone. I miss being happy. I haven't been TRUELY happy in a long time. Years, probably.

Well, enough of me crying about all of my shortcomings and problems.

Peace.

Hello, Hello.

It's been a pretty long time since I last updated this. Let's see.

1. I am single.
2. I work at Subway... again
3. I'm taking a semester off of college
4. I don't know what the hell I want to do with my life.
5. I've been "talking" with someone, but... I'm done.

1.I am single.
things were good with me and daniel until march and then, things started going down hill. the optimist, soft hearted me, tried to put up with it and make it better, but OBVIOUSLY it didn't work. I recently found out that Daniel cheated on me, and that has made me incredibly bitter. I'm sad to admit that, but it's the truth.

2. I work at Subway...again.
I quit my job at dunham's on the fourth of july and i did my own thing for like a month and needed a job for the semester, so, i called subway and they EAGERLY hired me back. it's okay. I've had worse jobs. lol. at least i get christmas eve off. There IS a cute boy that works with me... so it makes it a little more bearable. lol

3. I'm taking a semester off of college.
I decided to stop wasting money and take some time off to figure out what the hell i want to do with my life.

4. I don't know what the hell i want to do with my life
i don't know how else to say it. lol. I'm interested in doing something with sign language, but then again, being a mortician doesn't sound too shabby. I might get my CNA... but i haven't decided yet.

5.I've been "talking" with someone, but... I'm done.
I don't know. I was talking to this kid travis, but he turned out to be like, UBER crazy... yeah. So... I'm back to doing my own thing. Travis doesn't know that I don't want anything to do with him, at least i don't think so. Kevin may have said something to him.

Those are the "major" things that are going on in my life. I'm irritated all of the time and I enjoy hiding. It sucks though when I don't want to hide and everyone else does. lol

I have been spending WAY too much time with my dad. he's driving me bonkers. for rizzle.

I need to shower... so I'm going to go.

Until next time.

 I don't know if I can take it, because it took so long to bake it, and I'll never have the recipe AGAIN!!!!

Today is Halloween. Praise Jesus.

I pretty much don't even care anymore.

I am a sour, bitter, old woman. (In my mind)

 ICC. 

what a waste of time. 

I think I'm going to quit and just get a full time job. money has become a lot more important to me lately, i'm sad to report. 

Good luck on finals. And stay away from the pretty girls.

Thanks. And BTW, I already have a pretty girl. So your reqest won't be hard to do.